


My Immortal

by Rwana-Lai Xishu (Xishu)



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Complete, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, Internal Conflict, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Obi-Wan Needs a Hug, One Shot, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, POV Obi-Wan Kenobi, Post-Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, Pre-Star Wars: A New Hope, Tatooine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-07 01:57:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14660964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xishu/pseuds/Rwana-Lai%20Xishu
Summary: Obi-Wan Kenobi reflects back on the events that will haunt him forever. I wrote this while listening to the words of "My Immortal" by Evanescence. Obi-Wan thinks Anakin is dead and blames himself for his turn to the darkside.





	My Immortal

**Author's Note:**

> Another story that I wrote over 10yrs ago. Originally posted on fanfiction.net; back when I was really into Evanescence. This one is super angsty. Obi-Wan can't accept the events that unfolded on Mustafar and reflects on his life with Anakin.

**My Immortal**

**Author:** Rwana-Lai Xishu

 **Disclaimers:** Disney owns Star Wars and the characters.

* * *

 

_I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears. And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave. 'Cause your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone…_

I can still sense you, Anakin…

I can still feel you so close, but that's impossible… I killed you…

I can't even think clearly anymore. I must be losing my mind. Why won't you let me be? Why is it so hard to let you go? I'm a Jedi… I can't have attachments. But yet you've become the center of my life. Now everything I feared came true and I lost you forever. The boy I raised, the son I looked after, the brother I loved, the friend I trusted… you're gone.

Please, I wish to feel nothing. I'm begging to feel nothing and forget you. I try to forget but I can't. You're still inside of my being and inside my heart.

_These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase…_

I guess I'll never forget you, Anakin. I watched you suffer and I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to cease you're pain and strike you down. But I couldn't do it, Anakin. And now I dream about it every night. Time does not heal all wounds. It doesn't make things easier to bare either. And I hate and I'm not allowed to hate. But I do and it's choking me,

Anakin. I hate myself… and you.

Myself for not being the Master you deserved, and you for letting yourself fall… but it's not your fault and I know that. Though Yoda would tell me only you could have chosen your path I don't believe that. I never should have trained you, I never should have promised to Qui-Gon.

Qui-Gon… I failed you I am so sorry. You were right for not wanting to train me in the first place. I was too reckless and let my emotions control me. I should have stayed on Bandomeer with the AgriCorps. I never should have returned to Coruscant after I left for Melida/Daan. I failed you… and Anakin also.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand through all of these years but you still have all of me…_

I watched you grow up into a great Jedi, into a man. You ran to me for comfort. When you had nightmares or when the other Padawans' made fun. When you were afraid of thunder, I held you in my arms until you fell asleep. And when you were kidnapped I never stopped looking for you.

I fought for you, I lied for you and I even killed for you. And I would do it all over again.

And now I cry for you, Anakin… why do you still control my every thought? Please, if you hear me… let the pain go away. I would ask you to take me away in the embrace of the Force, to let me die but Luke needs me. I need to protect him from the vile man you called "Master" before you took your last breath.

_You used to captivate me by your resonating life. Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind. Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams. Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me…_

You use to be so full of life… that mischievous grin you had. Even when I tried t be serious I couldn't … you always made me laugh, my Padawan. Your generosity was what Qui-Gon saw in you first. It glowed off you. That beauty in your eyes. Giving without thought of return… I refused to see it at first, more concern about losing Qui-Gon to you…forgive me for my jealousy. I regret thinking that way, but as I got to know you… I saw what Qui-Gon saw.

But I can't think back like this, I can't allow myself to fall into the past. But the past was when things seemed simpler… when you were Anakin... not Vader. And all I can hear at night is you screaming that you hate me… you meant it, I know. I don't blame you.

Before I use to see you in my dreams as a great Jedi… now all I can see is those Sith eyes glowing with utter anger.

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone. But though you're still with me I've been alone all along._

And you truly are gone… and it's because of me. I struck you down and left you for death. Never I would have imagine seeing you die… I always thought I would be the one to leave this world first.

With my bad luck it's a wonder I'm still alive. Without you I would probably be dead a long time ago. I own you everything Anakin. More then ten times… I owe you my life… but you were my life… and I pushed you away.

I can still sense you… but I feel so alone on this planet you use to call home. Maybe it's because I'm haunted by memories of our first meeting. Maybe that's why I think I can sense you.

Maybe I need to let go. But it's so hard, Anakin.

The pain is too much.

I lost everyone… Qui-Gon, Siri, Garen, Bant, Quinlan… and now you… no I can't take that pain no more.

Someone… please hear me… let me sleep at least this one night without dreams. Please… without hearing his voice, seeing his face…

I'm begging to let my tears stop for one night.

Just one night…

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this short story. I also debated rewriting this but chose to leave it as is. I like angst and most of my stories centered around internal conflict. 
> 
> When you listen to "My Immortal", what does it say to you? Do you connect the words with your favorite fandom? Leave a comment!


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